WNU Editor: It is seven years now .... but in 2010 I did a special post commemorating the 10th anniversary of the USS Cole bombing. I was proud of the post .... a recognition of those who lost their lives, and I spent a good deal of time collecting links that gave back ground information on the bombing as well as on what happened after. The picture that I used was the tombstone of one of the fallen .... it was a beautiful tombstone and picture .... a family's tribute to their lost son .... and very fitting for the post. I gave credit to the picture and where it came from .... posted it for 3:00 AM EST .... and went to bed. I woke up that morning, and I do what I do every morning .... I read my email. One of the emails was from someone that I never heard before .... I opened it, and it was from the father of the soldier whose tombstone that I used as my picture. I expected a thank you, but what I got was a father who was beyond livid. Accusing me of profiting from his son's death, disrespecting his family, and a whole bunch of other things that were untrue and in my opinion unhinged. But what could I do .... and more to the point .... what did I do to make him so angry and threatening. I checked the email address .... and found out that yes .... this was a valid email, and that he was the Goldstar father. The more I thought about it, the more upset I was that I made this man upset .... when my intention was never to do anything like that. I have a thick skin .... nothing much gets to me. I have experienced a lot in my life, but I have also learned to keep a open mind, and when I feel that I am wrong .... to correct it. In this case I was more than mortified .... I sent him an email with sincere apologies .... detailing and explaining to him what motivated me to do the post .... and that my intention was to certainly never profit from him or from his son. I lost count on how many times I said I was sorry .... and to make amends I deleted the post, and I publicly apologized on this blog telling everyone on what had happened. He responded later in the day with his own apology .... he told me that I could use the picture .... and that he thought that I was just another con-man trying to take advantage of his son's death. I thanked him for his response, and I told him that as far as I am concerned .... the case was closed. I did not make another post on his son .... nor anyone like it since .... the potential negative energy and blow-back is just not worth it.
Since that time I have tried to understand why this father reacted in the way that he did .... and over the years many family members who have lost loved ones in war (and who are also readers of this blog) have explained to me the sea of emotions that a family goes through when their loved one is killed in action. Anger and rage are the two main emotions that people feel .... and because they cannot strike-out at the enemy who killed their loved one, many attack the one who sent their loved one into harms way. I think for a President this is probably one of the most difficult parts of his job .... and definitely the most draining. To call a family who has lost a loved one .... knowing too well that this family is probably blaming him for why their loved one is dead .... most people would run away. I have read over the years that when President Bush and President Obama called a grieving family .... they were often faced with a family that were beyond anger, blaming them for the lost of their loved one. I guess that explains why both President Bush and President Obama ended up sending letters to grieving families later in their terms instead of calling them .... their advisers must have noticed how draining this experience was for them, and decided to limit their calls. Considering what I went through with a grieving father 10 years after the fact .... I can understand why. As for President Trump .... who if attacked will respond with an attack .... he is probably ill-suited to call a grieving family who is angry at him. And with the political environment in Washington being as toxic as it is .... if you call a grieving widow with someone like Democrat Congresswoman Frederica Wilson beside her whose hatred towards President Trump is well known .... expect fireworks.
On a side note .... in Russia the President (if he chooses) would meet the grieving family in a public setting .... no cameras .... and there will be a lot of people there so that a situation does "not get out of control". Otherwise .... it is just a letter to the family. There are phone calls .... but that is very rare.
4 comments:
When casualties are light perhaps a call can be expected, you know it is a real war when the mailman has a bag of letters.
Personally prefer a call or visit from a c.o who personally knew my kid.
There is and never will be logic to emotion. Whether it's the necessary phone call, gathering of personal effects to send to relatives, or relation of last moments it's something that has to be done and is almost always a terrible and thankless task.
Hey wnu, much respect to you for trying to understand the father and doing what's right. It's certainly not a nice experience for you to have, but a valuable one, thanks for sharing
The constant low-level terror when a child is deployed in war is draining. One Sunday morning while my son was in Afghanistan, a strange car pulled up in the driveway. My heart sank when I saw it and heard the doorbell. I gripped the chair arms while my wife, who lives a much less angst filled life than I do, cheerily went to the door. It was a florist delivering on Mother's Day. My idiot son had sent his mom flowers from Afghanistan.
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